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From Blah to Bling!

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I’ve recently noticed how dull jewellery becomes if it’s not worn and is just stuck in a box.

I finally had my first outing recently to celebrate my parent’s anniversary. Having an excuse to get dressed up, I thought I’d give my now very dull jewellery a clean. I didn’t expect such a minor task to provide me with such considerable insight!

As I sat in my room with my favourite music on, my aromatherapy mister puffing out stress-reducing oils and with no rush to be anywhere soon, I became totally engrossed in what I was doing. In that moment, I realised I had a sense of wellbeing and happiness, something I hadn’t felt for many months. I caught myself just smiling. My sparkle was emerging along with the sparkle on my rings! I simply hadn’t quite appreciated how “blah” I’d been feeling for so long. It wasn’t just the jewellery that had become dull.

As we emerge from the heaviness of the pandemic, each of us around the world will be at different stages, and I’m acutely aware that too many are still very much in the thick of it. Whether you’re emerging out from under all this or the light at the end of the tunnel still seems a little further away, I want to share something with you which might help you understand how you could be feeling right now or prepare for you something you may feel in the future.

Let’s go back to the “blah” that I mentioned earlier. For many months I’ve been functioning through hectic work schedules and long days across many timezones. Supporting my daughter through her final exams at school – the results critical to the next steps in her life. Helping ageing parents with health challenges and hospital appointments. I have also been trying to do enough housework to avoid my house becoming a bio-hazard zone, all whilst providing sustenance through nutritious meals!!! The “blah”, when not on full adrenalin, has been very real. It felt like the ‘Friday Faceplant’ had re-entered my life again… however, this time it was different. This time I found an explanation.

Adam Grant is an organisational psychologist I’ve come across many times and always really loved his work. This spring, in his recent article, he really NAILED the explanation of what so many of us are experiencing. I have never been sent the same article by so many people, from so many countries, in the space of just a few days… It clearly resonated strongly with them all and with a powerful “Oh my god, this is me!” response. That was my reaction too.

Adam captured so powerfully what many of us were experiencing but didn’t have a name for.

It’s the neglected middle child of mental health. It’s the void between depression and flourishing — the absence of well-being. You don’t have symptoms of mental illness, but you’re not the picture of mental health either. You’re not functioning at full capacity.

The name he gave to what so many of us were feeling was LANGUISHING.

I don’t know about you, but I much prefer describing myself as languishing versus blah! In the poetic vision of my languishing, I imagine there’s a chaise lounge and parlour involved (picture a scene from Jane Austen). But with blah, all I picture is Crocs and trousers with an elasticated waist (both of which I love and have a place in my life).

Having a name now for what I was experiencing was strangely comforting, but how do we tackle it to find a way through and out? One recommendation from Adam Grant is to find a way to get into “flow”, this is when you’re distracted from all the noise in your life, and you lose track of time. My jewellery cleaning gave me that space to create that spark of happiness that I felt. Reading a good book can do it too, also taking a walk in nature, knitting, gardening … if it absorbs you, it will help.

Another recommendation is uninterrupted time – I can vouch for the power of this even though it happened accidentally. Recently, I had just finished work, and my phone completely froze! I could do NOTHING to it – couldn’t switch off to reset, nothing at all. The initial horror was genuine… I’m on my phone all the time. It turned out to be a gift from the universe. As I waited for my phone to completely lose battery power so I could reset it, conversely, my own battery was being recharged. Whilst this digital detox was accidental, it provided me with a valuable lesson – I need more “digital disconnection” to allow me to get into the right flow state.

I hope you find the article and its definition as helpful as I did. More importantly, I hope you can find little ways to get into your own flow, so you can shift from Blah to Bling. Simply notice what takes you into that space, and do as much of it as you can! ❤️

Next Steps

For more of Adam Grant’s wisdom click here.

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With mindfulness, you can’t go wrong!


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I can’t sit in the lotus position. Actually, I can’t sit in any position that is even distantly related to the lotus. If I do get down on the floor (rarely easily or silently), it can be quite the workout getting back up again. This has been the case for quite some years, even when I’ve been relatively fit. Until recently, it was a bit of a mental barrier for me fully leaning in to mindfulness.

What an idiot. As if how I sit was going to dictate the benefits I might get! I do place the blame for this very long-held, and clearly silly, belief at the door of a poorly qualified meditation instructor. Running a meditation session as one of many offerings at a spa (which they don’t do now), the very determined and bossy class tutor singled me out for “sitting the wrong way,” and I was so busy feeling embarrassed and angry with her that I couldn’t have had a less tranquil experience—the very opposite of mindful.

And so the story of “wrong way” began. In the years since, I have dabbled with various meditation and mindfulness practices. The wish to experience a mindfulness retreat grew over time, but always stopped when I pictured everyone else sitting the “right way” and my shameful lack of ability clear for all to see!

Then a strange thing happened to us all, we found ourselves in a world navigating a pandemic. Everything changed, all the usual rules were suspended. Mindfulness training and retreats went online! And so, I signed up for an 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction workshop.

One of the first things my mindfulness instructor said when we had our kick-off session, “there is no wrong way to do this – it’s about finding the right way for you”. Hurrah! No longer would I be singled out for my lack of bendiness. Instead, I could focus on exactly what I came to do – learn some new practices to improve my wellbeing.

“Yesterday’s history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift – that why it’s called the present!” Kung Fu Panda

My feeling of “this is the course for me” increased further when the class guide included a quote from the Kung Fu Panda character alongside the quotes from Mark Twain and others.

Each week, for 8 weeks, our online class worked through practices and reflections together. In addition to the highly engaging and experienced instructor, the class was made up of a lovely group of people who had varying levels of experience with mindfulness and were all there for different reasons. I found great comfort in hearing experiences, challenges and reactions, which helped me really believe that there is no wrong way to do this.

I’d already been doing quite a bit of work on ‘being present’, on using breathing techniques, and I’d been using the Headspace app quite regularly (an excellent starting point for mindfulness when a beginner). I did have a real challenge with my wandering mind, it consistently kept tripping me up. Then my tutor completely reframed the moments where I would usually abandon my practice, “Call back your wandering mind as you would a beloved pet who wanders off too far”. Game changer! Suddenly it wasn’t “wrong” to have a wandering mind – it was to be expected.

No need to restart or give up when your mind wanders – just beckon your mind back and keep going.

The second game-changer moment came when we really focussed on our breathing. I’ve always known the power of your breath to bring you ‘into the now’. What got in the way for me was the counting of breath and breathing in a particular way. I would get so tied up in not doing the breathing the “right way” that I’d end up as frustrated and annoyed as I was the day of that first meditation class. It doesn’t feel great to “fail” at breathing. I can’t begin to tell you the joy I felt being told,

Just breathe naturally and normally – no need to count.

One of my very favourite spots to sit and think – the first place I practiced mindfulness outside of a class or a guided meditation

The third and final standout moment for me – sit or lie in the way that’s most comfortable for you, being aware that lying down increases the chance of falling asleep! To be doing multiple practices in a comfortable chair, in a relaxing position only increased my ability to focus on the moment – not on the cramp I might be getting in my left calf muscle!

Sit or lie in the way that is best for you to be present.

From these simple but important shifts, I was able to really commit to the practices, and in the weeks and months ahead I’ll be delighted to share with you some of those which have really helped. From mindful walks, keeping out of autopilot, focussing the scattered mind, the stress reaction cycle, thoughts are not facts, and through to the very powerful practice of acceptance.

I’d also love to hear your own experiences and maybe even challenges with mindfulness – it’s not always easy – so perhaps you’d like to join our Behind the Hashtag private Facebook group. 

 

Next Steps

The course I took was Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction at www.londonmindful.com

MBSR was developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn – I’ve previously reviewed his book, you can read that here.

 

 

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Is there a harsher judge than the inner critic?

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Our inner critic is a very familiar voice. Narrating inside out heads for as long as we can remember. And it’s a sneaky rascal because we often mistake the voice for intuition. Over the years as I’ve really paid attention – thanks to mindfulness and meditation – to both my inner critic and intuition, one pattern helps me tell the difference.

The inner critic will often say “You CAN’T do that”, whereas intuition is more likely to say “You SHOULDN’T do that”. A very important difference, I’ve found.

Very recently, I had the exciting opportunity to do a Facebook Live session at the invitation of my friend and mentor Jessie. One of the questions he asked has really stayed with me – “How do you stop self-judgment?”

Speaking for myself, I’m not sure stopping is feasible. Self-judgement is undoubtedly the essence of the inner critic – and when I imagine stopping it, I immediately envision a ‘Game of Thrones’ type battlefield… carnage!

When I started regularly practising mindfulness a few years ago, the first difficult thing for me was the “noticing”. It’s when I began to really pay attention to the voice of the inner critic, what it was saying and when it would be saying it. The essence of mindfulness is actually to stop the fight. So as I’ve reflected on the question over the subsequent weeks, I think my much shorter, crisper answer now would be – “You don’t focus on stopping it. You focus on understanding where it’s coming from.”

There is an inner voice we all have, which keeps us going – it motivates us. Once we start to understand if the voice is coming from a place of motivation, from a positive place, it can be wonderful “self-talk”. Before I understood more about all this, I used to call it “having a word with myself”. It shouldn’t be harsh, it should feel like something you would say to a friend – nudging them with kindness.

Letting go of your inner criticIt’s the darker inner voice that is our critic. The voice that’s based on our “big assumptions”, the stories we’ve created over the early part of our lives and then spend the later part of our lives unpacking with coaches, trainers, mentors and gurus of all descriptions. Or maybe that’s just me? Every time I’ve done some personal development work, there’s almost always another big assumption uncovered.

A damaging assumption I discovered a few years back was due to something my a high school maths teacher had said to me many moons ago. My older brother has always been incredibly bright and was phenomenal at maths in school. I had the same maths teacher too and a few weeks into the term he asked me, “Are you adopted by any chance?”.  A great example of one ‘big-ass assumption’ getting handed on a platter to my inner critic, “You’re not clever enough” subsequently played on a loop in my head for years.

So what do we do with this then? If we’re not going to fight it or try and stop it – is the inner critic the equivalent of a freight train coming at us and we’re just going to stand on the tracks? Definitely not – first of all let’s make it less of a monster by realising EVERYONE has an inner voice. What we’re watching for is darkness in that voice, something toxic that we need to counter.

Affirmations can be a gentle way of balancing out the inner critic. To be honest, I felt a bit silly when first started using affirmations – I was a little dismissive of them. Until I reframed how I thought about them.

Use them as if you were talking to a friend. If I have someone in my life who doesn’t believe in themselves, I’ll often repeat the same positive messages to them. I know instinctively they won’t believe it the first time or maybe second, third, fourth or even the fiftieth – but in time it should sink in. It’s the same with positive affirmations, this time you’re saying them to yourself, and you need to keep the same repetitive rigour. Try it!

The first simple step you can take is to handling your inner voice is just to begin noticing and jot down any negative messages you become aware of. For example, I’ve had a couple of emails this week, which triggered my inner critic – thankfully, I noticed early so took the time to jot down the narrative that was bubbling up. Luckily for me, I’ve been focusing on some personal development work this week, which has allowed me to unpack these negative messages with trusted colleagues. It does take work, but the benefits are significant.

So, rather than suiting-up to do battle with your inner critic and worrying about how to stop self-judgment, maybe it’s time to tune-in and listen – sit with the voice and learn over time to balance it out.

What are you telling yourself you “can’t do”? Maybe you can change the story.

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Ignore your intuition at your peril

| 3 Minute Read |

I’ve always loved this ‘weather stone’ in the picture (click the image above to view in full).  It’s on a beautiful wee island in the Scottish Hebrides called Berneray.  Although it’s made me smile for years, it took on a different feel when I looked at it after I’d found the world of mindfulness.  On my last trip, I had more time than usual to think and reflect, that’s when I noticed for the first time, it was a beautiful metaphor for intuition.  It captures perfectly how ‘head smackingly obvious’ intuition can be – if you just tune in to it.

Here’s the thing though.  It can be incredibly easy to tune out your intuition.  ‘People pleasers’ do this A LOT.  Actually, it’s very dangerous territory for people pleasers.  What’s even more dangerous, in my experience, is when you love and trust someone enough to ignore your own intuition to avoid hurting their feelings.  Questioning someone’s decision or advice can be taken to represent “You don’t love me”, so overriding the whisper of our intuition. Especially dangerous territory for people pleasers!

When it comes to intuition, I’ve come to think of it with a little “i” and a big “I”.  The little “i” intuition moments are along the lines of making “chicken versus beef for dinner guests” type decisions, some hosts just always get it right!  The big “I” Intuition moments are more of the “something is deeply wrong with my marriage” moments.  You can see the difference, stakes – of the non-beef variety – tend to be far higher for the big “I” moments.

As a ‘recovering people pleaser’, here’s something I’ve found really bizarre while I’ve travelled through life – it can be surprisingly easy to tune-out the big Intuition stuff.  When you look back with hindsight, this can be really puzzling.

So how do you make sure you don’t ignore your intuition when it matters the most?

The easiest way I can describe tapping into your intuition is to WAKE UP.  If this was an audio article, I would have shouted wake up at the top of my lungs, just in case the capitals weren’t quite conveying that. Keep in mind, that waking up too suddenly can cause you to fall out of bed and injure yourself… not to overwork the metaphor, but hopefully, you see where this is going.

For me, the beginnings of waking up were through the gentle noticing that mindfulness provides.  At first, as you start to notice more, it can feel like Pandora’s box has been opened.   I found this particularly difficult, but suspect as the ‘Queen of Avoidance’ I had built-up a hefty Pandora-stash along the way.

No matter what comes up for you as you begin to notice, the goal is NOT to tackle everything at once but instead take one step at a time.  Word of warning though – I didn’t tackle one of the big Intuitions, and eventually, it came and tackled me.   I do not recommend avoidance – being tackled by something rather than addressing it yourself really does lead to much more stress in the long run (more on that in a future article).

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