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Procrastination is about emotion NOT time management

| 2 Minute Read |

In June 2019, I started reading the “Get Your Sh*t Together” book by Sarah Knight, I finished it in December 2019. Six months it took me to complete that book. Six months! If I’m going to sit and do some writing for ‘Behind The Hashtag’, I prefer a “particular” environment and to have a long list of chores completed before I settle down to it. When lockdown came along with the pandemic, and I was no longer travelling – I was still struggling to “find time” to do daily workouts. Procrastination anyone?

When I wrote the article on finding my mojo, it was heartwarming to have so many people reach out to me with the cries of “me too”. So I got curious. What is procrastination all about? It just doesn’t seem logical. I found a beneficial article which really reframed the whole conversation for me and I wanted to share it – Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control)

First of all, let me assure my fellow procrastinators that you are not LAZY. “Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem” was the quote which caught my attention first. Even though it often makes no sense putting off a task – particularly when the long term impact can be very negative, or having to deal with the extra stress incurred by putting it off to the last minute. Apparently though, the short term relief that we get is enough for our brain to give in!   

From a neuroscience perspective, we’re not wired to think beyond the immediate – it’s what’s known as an “amygdala hijack”. I’ve heard of the “amygdala hijack”, but I’ve NEVER associated it with procrastination. Turns out that what we’re avoiding is some negative feeling – fear of not having anything interesting to write, anxiety about a workout being too tough, or simply not wanting to be bored wading through a tax return or spreadsheet!

The “respite” from the negative feeling can be short-lived. We may later start beating ourselves up about the procrastination, and it all becomes this very strange cycle, and feels to me like that “amygdala hijack” is making us our own worst enemy? How do we break the cycle?  

Making a “bigger better offer” to our brain is the key apparently! The outcome or longer-term benefit of doing the thing we’re avoiding needs to be amped up. Instead of seeing it as ‘post-workout pain’, focus more on ‘getting fitter will help me fight illness if I catch Covid-19’ – a very topical and real benefit right now. A very important wingman to the “bigger better offer” is self-compassion, especially if we’re procrastinating because of anxiety associated with not being good enough.  

There is no easy answer to this – that’s why time management books are a multi-million pound business. When I go back to the book that took me waaaaaay too long to read Get Your Sh*t Together the “bigger better offer” here is getting clear on all the things I WANT to do but don’t seem to be able to make time.  

As the schools get ready to go back and some kind of routine emerges again, maybe this is a great time to tackle procrastination head-on … wish me luck as I take on my “amygdala”.

 

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Suck It Up Buttercup

| 3 Minute Read |

Coming from a very “stiff upper lip” culture, I’ve spent many years of my life “just getting on with it”. Whenever I speak to friends and colleagues, it’s not at all unusual to find they come from a long line of “emotion avoiding” generations. If we can suppress or sweep emotions under the carpet, it’s just better all round. Less messy. Or is it?

I’ve already shared the very un-Disney outburst I had a couple of years ago after months and months of suppressing emotions – Would You Kiss Mickey Mouse with that Mouth?. I was recently reflecting that if we had hit this Covid-19 pandemic a couple of years ago, before my daughter and I had worked out how to healthily communicate our emotions, I shudder to think how difficult life would have been. My thoughts then turned to how intense the last 6 months have been, and how, for even the most loving of families, the close proximity of living and working together 24/7 has been very tough at times.

This article “Suppressing Your Emotions Can Be Incredibly Bad For Your Health” really helped me understand the unhealthy impact of suppressing emotions – I’ve always known they have to go “somewhere”. One of the best ways to deal with emotions is to slow down, stop and see it. For very many people (myself included) this has been a positive side effect of the pandemic and lockdown—the time and space to work through things. I further deepened this by taking an 8-week mindfulness course which has most certainly helped. I’m embracing the “beautiful mess effect” (referred to in the article above), much of it through the writing of my Behind the Hashtag articles. I also work through some of my “beautiful mess” with help from family and friends – their blend of life experience and coaching training has been invaluable.

Not everyone is that lucky, though. I’ve been acutely aware these past months that for too many people they don’t feel they have anyone they can turn to. All the anxiety, fear and anger is pushed down. In addition to making people ill, the article also suggests that in some cases, it’s showing up as aggression. After the lockdown was eased, I noticed a real edginess from some people in shops, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much road rage. It makes me wonder if this is partly the impact of all that unprocessed anxiety and fear?

There isn’t an easy answer, I would encourage you to notice any unhealthy “coping” you or those close to you may be adopting. If you don’t have someone close you can talk to – think about reaching out to some of the help being made available (see below). (Support will vary by country and depending on where you work).

When it comes to emotional challenges, my key takeaway from the article was definitely a feeling of “it’s normal”, we all encounter it on some level or another. It is vital to be kind to yourself as you work through it, as it won’t be a ‘once and done’ task. The more we deal with our emotions, the less control they will have over us. Take care of yourselves.

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Trust – the secret ingredient for great leadership?

| 2 Minute Read |

Life and work have changed for everyone in the past few months. New ways of working and how to lead are probably the most frequent topics I’m seeing on LinkedIn and other forums.

Leadership ZoomcastI’ve really enjoyed the Leadership Zoomcast, where two role model leaders are getting curious about how to navigate our new reality. I loved being part of one of the episodes with Albert and Neil for an exploration of the “secret recipe” for leaders.

Afterwards, I was definitely left thinking that if we keep our focus on some of the basics, we can’t go too far wrong.

Regardless of what industry you are in, there are three things which I believe matter the most:

  1. Being human
  2. Paying attention to what your team need
  3. Self-awareness of the impact you are having.

Tust - Brené BrownI would never suggest there is a definitive list of leadership behaviours–experience suggests it will show up in different ways for different leaders. For example, how I show up as being human will differ from everyone else.

What does strike me though, as I listen to more and more conversations on this subject, is that the common thread running through the discussion is TRUST. All three of the basics highlighted above form the basis of building trust, and it’s in the little day-to-day things that trust grows.

Although I had this conversation in the context of leadership, I do believe everyone can benefit from doing more of all three. Whether you formally lead a team or not, you’re still able to have an incredible impact on those around you. The more remote and virtually we work, the more focussed we need to be on how we connect with others – we need trust more than ever.

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The Shame Sh!tshow

| 4 Minute Read |

A story about shame… You might already be shifting uncomfortably in your seat or considering swiping past. We just don’t talk about it enough. The reality is, we all experience shame of some kind and what enables it to grow is secrecy and silence. Not talking about it, is like shame fertiliser.

First of all, let’s differentiate between guilt and shame. Guilt is something we feel when we think “I’ve done something bad”. Shame is what we feel when we think “I am bad”. Very different. I first began to understand shame when I read Brené Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection (one of my game-changing books you’ll find in the review section).

Grace means that all your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

Shame erodes your self-esteem over time; it may be triggered by many different things but is fuelled by secrecy, silence and judgement. As I was reading the book, and doing a lot of other work to address unhealthy habits in my life, I realised that I had inadvertently created a bit of a “Shame Sh!tshow”. The “not good enough” story was being fed regularly by a great deal of judgement in my life at the time. House not clean enough, not a good enough mother, not thin enough, not clever enough, not a good enough wife… just generally NOT ENOUGH. Sound familiar?

When the “Shame Sh!tshow” is in full flow, you generally don’t feel worthy of anything good in your life. This is the space where addictions can begin to show up – thankfully the most damaging I get is crisps and chocolate, although honestly, I can do enough harm with just those two.

I’m sure you’re wondering, how do you break the silence? Especially if it has been going on for a very long time. When I first found myself in a safe space to open up, I was a good 15 years into my silence. Initially, I only scratched the surface – I didn’t get to the issues that were at the absolute core. You need a non-judgmental space – that’s vital. If you trust someone and break your silence only to be met by judgement and lack of empathy, it’s almost worse than if you’d never opened up at all.

I was lucky to get some professional counselling through an Employee Assistance Programme at work. I think it was the first time I really opened up properly and could see clearly how secrecy and silence had kept me in a truly awful “Shame Sh!tshow”. The path out of it was genuinely liberating though. I’ve always deeply admired people who could own and share their stories. I think it’s why I’ve loved the Oprah show from way back when. The stories would often really inspire me, what I didn’t realise is that a common theme among people who practice shame resilience is that they own and share their stories.

If secrecy is shame fertiliser, then honesty is the weed killer (sorry, I have been doing a lot of gardening recently!). To quote Brené Brown “Honest conversations about shame can change the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.”

Once I’d made the initial breakthrough on shame–it actually released A LOT of pushed down anger, so it wasn’t all unicorns and rainbows on day one–I did have to work out what to do with future shame. The advice from Brené Brown is simple:

  1. Know what triggers shame for you
  2. Reality check the messages – imperfect does not mean inadequate!
  3. Tell your story to someone you trust
  4. Talk about shame – actually use the word!

This approach works – if you remember to follow it. I recently had a trigger at work that I missed, and I went off into some “Shame Sh!tshow” stories… it really affected me for a few days then I caught myself and got out of the funk. You have to keep an eye on it, it’s not a once and done thing.

What are you keeping secret and silent that may be fuelling shame? As shame grows, so too does the fear, find a safe and trusting place to open up. If you break the silence, you will break the shame cycle.

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